A Time to Hurt

I stood behind Mathlida and began to remove the pins from her hair. I smiled fondly, remembering her pinning my hair.

"What are you smiling at, girl?"

I looked up and met her eyes in the mirror. "Just thinking about the first time you pinned my hair."

by table

I slid another one out and tossed it on the table behind me.

She chuckled. "I remember that day. You were 12."

"I was so excited. I felt so grown up."

Mathlida sighed. "Oh, I can see it quite clearly. You were always in such a hurry to grow up, to catch up to your sisters. From horseback riding, to parties...to marriage....Maddie...if only you had waited, I am sure your father would have given his consent..."

I stiffened with a hand frozen in the air over Mathlidas head. "Please dont talk about him. I can’t...I can’t think about that now."

Mathlida eyed me in the mirror. "Alright, girl."

I continued in silence. My goodness, it was like she stuffed every pin she owned into her hair.....then it hit me. She stuffed every pin in her hair because she knew she would never have a chance to get more.

"Maddie" Mathlida’s voice was commanding.

I looked up and met her firm gaze in the mirror.

Suddenly I realized the roles were reversed and it scared me. I was no longer a little girl with her nursie, but a woman hoping against all odds that her nursie would nursie her own children. I bowed my head, trying to conceal the tears hiding behind my lashes

"Maddie, everything is going to be fine."

"Of course, I am sorry, Mathlida, I was just daydreaming." The lie came far too easily, but Mathlida wasn’t buying it.

"Daydreaming wont take these pins out of my hair, Maudrun. You must learn this because someday you’ll have a daughter of your own, whose hair you must care for."

I smiled at her. "No, one day you'll be taking the pins from my daughters hair and lecturing her on proper party etiquette."

Mathlida sighed. "I won't live forever, Maddie. One day you will treasure the time with your daughter, I promise you that." Her voice was far off, wistful.

I pulled the last pin out. "Do you miss them?"

"Hmmm?"

"Your daughters. Your babies."

"You’re my baby too. They will be fine. They have husbands and babies of their own now."

I combed my fingers through her hair. "I have a husband too."

"Yes, but you needed me more than they did or do, love."

I carefully pulled out the comb Mathlida’s late husband gave her and ran it through her hair.

She sighed again and changed tactics. "What are we going to do with this place?"

"Make it into a home."

"Of course, but its going to take a lot of hard work, girl."

I shrugged. "It will keep my mind off....things.."

Mathlida cocked an eyebrow, but I looked away.

"Here, Mathlida, why don't you nap? You're looking a little pale."

"Oh Maddie, I shouldn't nap now. Anyway, I can't, look at that bed. It is absolutely covered in dust. It needs a good airing out."

I walked over to her bag and shook out her bedroll.

“Here Mathlida, lets do this.” I said as I struggled with the bed sheets under her expert eye. I flushed, they were putting up a better fight than I was.

Finally I yanked them off and rolled them up. Dust formed small clouds around us, causing coughing fits between the two of us. I threw the sheets down on the ground between coughing bouts, causing more dust to puff up around us.

“God!” I exclaimed.

Mathlida smiled feebly at me. I stared at her. The normally pleasantly plump woman was so much thinner than even last month. Her complexion was no longer rosy, and there were heavy bags under her eyes. Her hands shook, even when held still.

“Anyway,” I stammered as she raised her eyebrows, “lets pop the bedroll atop the bed. Then you can lay down without taking a dust bath.”

Mathlida sighed. “Oh Maddie I am fine. You can’t do this alone.”

“No, Mathlida you need rest more than I need help. Anyway, I have Vanna. Please, just get better, ok? The sick bucket is on the floor next to the bed.”

I stared into her blue eyes. She stared back. It was a test of wills. Usually Mathlida won, but not this time. This time she would get in bed if I had to force her and have Faustino hold her down. Though, I think that would have been to her pleasure.

She looked away first, so I took the opportunity to lead her to the bed.I helped Mathlida with her bedroll and tucked her in, just as she had always done for me.

I finished with a kiss on the forehead.

“Now,” I mimicked her. “You be a good girl and stay in bed! Call for me if you need me, okay?”

Mathlida laughed and I backed out of the room. I stumbled over a pair of boots on my way out. I The door closed with a snap behind me and I leaned against the wood. Mathlida was worse than she let on. She knew it and was putting up a farce for me. I would play ignorant if it made her feel better. If I lost Mathlida....well I didn't know what I would do.

We couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her. She kept saying it was the change, but did the change cause such dizziness she could barely walk?  If she didn’t get better soon, I’d have to send for a doctor. We couldn’t afford servants, much less a doctor….

“What?” I gasped, pulled out of my head by Vanna.

She stood in front of me, with her hands on her hips. “Are you okay?”

With all the effort I could muster, I pushed myself away from the door. “Yeah, I am fine, Vanna. Thank you, for all your help.”

“Yeah,” she said vaguely. “I am going to grab the laundry.”

“Need help?”

“No, but Burga needs her lunch.” She said and moved past me, into Mathlida’s room.

I nodded. Thank god for Vanna. She was worth her weight in gold. These past few weeks she and Diogo were my only source of help. Mathlida had been my only source of comfort and now she too was ill. Vanna was colder than ice and Diogo was as sarcastic as ever. At least I could take comfort in his sarcasm. Vannas coldness was not surprising, only troubling.

I turned and walked down the corridor, past the room that was to belong to Alfonso and me. Only it was just mine now. Alfonso still refused to talk to me, refused to be near me. His pride and masculinity were wounded. I didn't know how to get through to him, nor would he let me try. I padded down the stairs, towards the kitchens. Burga would need her soup.

The fire had gone out of the oven, so I bent over to start it again. Now the soup would be late. I stood up and dragged a chair over by the fire, the better to poke it into submission. The poker rubbed against the newly formed blisters on my hand. Blisters which would turn into callouses...My mother always said that a ladies hands determined her rank. Up until I married my husband, my hands were impeccably soft and smooth. Now they were raw and rough from riding without gloves and from working. I poked the fire again. I had never imagined my life would be this hard.

It took several more minutes of self loathing for the fire to finally flare up. I dragged the heavy pot over the fire, sloshing soup on my shoes and what was my best gown. I sat down and stirred the soup. How I hated soup. Mathlida forced it on me everytime i was ill. The mere thought of soup made my own stomach queasy. Luckily it was just for Burga and now Mathlida. Hopefully, Felipe and Alfonso would have better luck in the forest.

I was staring at the fire when Vanna walked into the kitchen. She crossed to the table and looked into the water bucket.

She stopped when she saw me.“Do we have enough water?”

I shook my head. “I don't think Alfonso brought any up this morning. Try asking Diogo to go.”

Vanna rolled her eyes and grabbed a bucket. “I’ll just go.”

“Be careful then,” I said evenly.

Vanna shrugged. “Don't burn the soup again.”

Shit, I had stopped stirring. Quickly I scraped the sides that had stuck to the sides of the pot. Burnt…. Only I could burn soup.

I ladled some into a small wooden bowl and set it on a tray along with a mug of ale and a hunk of cheese. I balanced it precariously on one arm as I pushed open the door to the kitchen. I nearly ran into Alfonso.

“Oh, sorry!” I said and gave him a half hearted smile.

He steadied the tray for me. He kept his face blank and said nothing.

I gnawed on my lip. “Did you catch anything?”

He shook his head and strode into the kitchen. I watched as he sat down at the table and pulled out his knife. As sinful as it was, I hoped he would just jam the knife into my heart. It would be less painful than the silent treatment.

I leaned on the doorframe, still grasping the tray.

“Yay, its poorly made soup again for supper.” I attempted a feeble joke but he didn’t even smile. Why did I bother to keep trying? Was I wanting to hurt myself?

“You have to talk to me sometime.I miss you. I love you.”  I pleaded. “I never meant to hurt you. I just---”

Alfonso stood and walked over to me. I smiled and straightened up, hoping that he would kiss me. Instead he merely shut the door in my face, leaving me alone in the darkened hallway with my face upturned for a phantom kiss. I pressed my forehead against the door and blinked back tears. How could he be so cruel to me. No matter what, I had already lost.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and made my way to the main hall. Felipe sat at the main table with the hem of his tunic in his hands.

“Goddamnit.” Felipe said. He looked up at me. “My tunic ripped.”

Really? His tunic ripped. Poor fucking baby. I looked down at my gown--it was torn and muddy and ragged. I wasn’t complaining, I who had dozens of pretty dresses, not even the ones for play had been this dilapidated. Felipe, on the other hand….I shook my head.

I sighed.” Well give it to Burga, she will be glad to have something to do.”

Felipe glared at me. “I can’t ask her to do that. She’s in a delicate condition!”

I raised my eyebrows. “You’re kidding right? You have got to be fucking joking. Her condition does not prevent her from picking up a fucking needle and pulling thread through your fucking tunic.”

Felipe just looked at me expectantly.

I stared at him, unbelieving.

“Fine,” I snapped. “I will do it.”

Felipe stood up and buckled his belt around his hips. “Just make sure you can’t tell you patched it.”

“Yeah, of course. No problem.”

I watched him walk into the kitchen and held back the urge to throw the mug at his smug head. What a fucker. What an unbelievable fucker.I stomped out of the hall and back upstairs to Burgas room.

“Good afternoon!” I said, a little too brightly as I opened her door. Luckily sweet, simple Burga didn't catch on. She smiled and sat up.

“Don’t get up!” I said with a waxy smile stuck upon my face. I wondered if I looked as grotesque as I felt.

“Good morning Maddie.” Her voice was weak, but stronger than it had been last month.

“How are you both?” I put the tray down on the table beside her bed. God I hoped she didn't need me to feed her too.

“Much better thank you,” she said.

I bobbed my head up and down, only half listening to her chattering until I heard her say “go downstairs.”

“No!”

Burga looked taken aback. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself not to lose my temper.

I licked my lips and started again. “No, Vanna said that Ann told you to stay in bed until after your baby is born. I’m sorry, but I can’t let you get up.”

Burga’s smile faded. “But--”

“--I’m sorry, but I can’t allow you to get out of bed. Now eat your soup. I’m sure Felipe will be in here later…” To bitch at you about me, I added silently.

“Maddie, I just---”

“Just eat your fucking soup, Burga,” I said, snapping the door shut behind me.

In the main hall, I slouched on the moldy couch and sighed. Beans trotted over to me with her beloved ball in her mouth.

I groaned. “Not now Beans, please.”

She dropped the ball at my feet, her tail wagged vigorously.

“No!”

Beans merely barked and pounded at the ball with her front legs. I ignored her. She danced around the ball with glee not giving me the peace I wanted. She pawed at my leg, breaking the last of my little patience.

“No! Bad dog! I dont want to play right now! Stop it!”

She cowered as I stood over her. “No is no! “

Her submission only made me angrier. I kicked the ball away with my foot. “Stop it! Just stop!”

And then I kicked her. Regret immediately flooded my body as she ran and hid under the table.

“Oh beans, baby I am so sorry.Come here?”

I crawled to her on my hands and knees. “Beans?”

But she wouldn't come. I sobbed.