A New Day

The morning after my little escapade, I rolled over on the pallet and found Alfonso standing over me. “Wife, we’re going fishing. Get up and dressed.”

The blankets slid down as I sat up, yawning and rubbing my eyes. The cold air chilled me to my very bones. I knew it was too damn early by the light of the candles. I blinked several times and tried to make sense of the blurry mass that was Alfonso. I listened to him shuffle away; each foot step sounded like a stomp. Why did my head feel fuzzy? And why was there an odd furriness on my tongue? I moaned as a spasm ran up my back. I put a hand on the small of my back and squeezed my eyes tightly shut, though this didn’t quite help my vision.

“I’ll be up in a minute.”

Before I knew it, I walked arm in arm with my husband. I huddled close into him, shivering against the bite of the wind. His body was large and solid and warm. I still felt my heart pound faster whenever he was near. Today was no exception.

We headed to the large clearing, just outside of the forest, where the big lake was.

Everything in the godforsaken forest was brown and I hated it. We were surrounded by dead, brown trees. The ground underfoot was a wet mass of slippery brown mud. It squished under our feet, which in turn did nothing great for my back. A thin layer of brown leaves and grass even covered the surface of the icy lake. The white sky only highlighted the dark and damp landscape.

He placed a quick kiss on my forehead and pulled out his long knife. He grinned at my quizzical expression. “Going to, ah…break the ice.”

While Alfonso cut holes in the ice, I took the opportunity to empty the skin with our dinner soup in the mud. It would probably taste better muddy. I hoped we could eat the fish we caught instead. Given that it was mid-winter and beyond freezing outside, I had my doubts about catching any fish. I thought our little trip to the lake had more to do with the little escape I attempted the previous morning. It was Alfonso’s way of giving me the freedom he thought I so desperately wanted.

 I groaned softly as I squatted down. I rubbed my back with my free hand. I poured the soup into the mud with my other. With a grunt, I pushed myself back into a standing position. 

“The lake’s melting!” He called over to me.

I looked up and he waved me over with one hand while holding out the fishing rod in the other. He handed me the fishing pole with a huge grin on his face. I couldn’t help but smile back, despite the ache in my back.

“So, what am I supposed to do?”

He demonstrated putting bait on the hook dropping the line into the water. “When we get a bite, I’ll help you.”

“Okay.”

We stood and fished a tthe edge of the lake in a comfortable silence.

It was one of my favorite things about my husband. I almost never felt obligated to speak or keep upconversation. It was nice, just listening to the rustling of the trees from thewind and the sound my own breathing. I thought it would be a little nicer sans cold. It would be nice to be in my warm toasty bed, a hot cloth on my feet, just like home. A funny thought occurred to me.

"Do you think we always want what we cannot have?"

Alfonso glanced at me from the corner of his eye. "What say you, wife?"

I tugged on my fishing pole and shrugged. "Maybe I'm just crazy."

A smile appeared on the corners of his mouth. "I never had any doubts about that."

"Hey!" I laughed and playfully slapped his shoulder. "That's not what I meant!"

He chuckled and gave his attention back to the lake.

"I must be crazy too. We're never going to catch a fish. It's too cold."

"Who knew you knew anything about fishing!"

"I know enough. Anyway, there are things you don't know and wouldn't wish to know about me, Maudrun."

His brown eyes flashed almost black as he stared off into the distance. My smile faded at the dark look on his face.

I prodded him. "I want to know."

He remained silent and fixated his gaze on his fishing rod. I watched him watching the lure bobbing up and down.

The wind rushed over us and as I shivered, I pulled the hood tighter around my ears. My fingers were stiff, just like yesterday. Oh how I wished for mittens. I shifted my pole into my left hand and flexed the cold, rigid fingers of my right hand. The skin that wasn't numb stretched painfully over my knuckles. I bent down and breathed heavy hot air on to my hands.

"We are not going to catch any fish today. It's time to leave."

"Alfonso...."

“Bad idea,” I heard him mutter.

I wondered what I had done wrong.

Perhaps I had reminded him of a part of his past he hated. I looked downand shuffled my feet in the mud. It splattered on to the hem of my clock. I sighed. I stupidly decided to wear slippers, instead of my boots. They were now utterly ruined…

"Let's go before we become.....what's the word? Ice...." He placed his hand on the small of my back and steered me in the direction of the tent.

I sighed and let him take my fishing pole in his other hand. "Statues?"

He still had trouble remembering English words. I usually found it rather endearing, but today it was just tiresome.

"Maybe. Before we become ice statues."

He carefully packed the fishing lines in the pouch kept on his belt. Then he dried the lures and also placed them in the pouch. I vigorously rubbed my hands, trying to regain someof the previous warmth. I wished, again, for a warm fire. He came towards me and put his hand on my back and we headed towards the barren forest.

I bit my lip. "I'm sorry."

"I know. But, Maddie, you have no need to be sorry. And to answer your earlier question, yes,I think we do. And I believe sometimes if we get it, we don't even know what todo with it."

His hand slid across my back to my hip, and he pulled me into his body.

"Here. Let's share thewarmth." He said as he kissed me on the side of my face.

I smiled in return and put my arm around his waist as well. We walked arm in arm through the forest,ducking branches, trying to step over large roots and desperately trying not to break the link between us. I was the first to let go when I stepped on a rockin the mud and slid into a tree. I didn’t hit hard, but instead caught myself with my hands. I giggled, causing Alfonso to chuckle beside me. I pushed off from the tree and we kept walking.

"Oh, if Mathlida asks, her dinner was delicious," I said.

"Oh, Mathlida packed dinner?"

"Yes. But I did us a favor and I accidentally spilled it in the mud. So, alas, there was no dinner to be had."

He snorted and shook his head at me. "This is one of those times where I know not what to do with you."

I laughed along with him. "You shall praise me on my cleverness and you shall bemoan the mere idea of living without me!"

Alfonso smiled weakly down at me. I was about to ask him if he was okay, when we were interrupted bythe neighing of our horses up ahead.

"Sounds like Greatheart is annoyed."

"I guess I better go see what he needs."

I saw Greatheart up ahead doing a small dance.

I grinned. "You big silly you. No, I don't have anything for you, piggie. Snort snort, big piggie."

I shrieked with giggles as he snuffled over my hood, my shoulder and my arms. I heard Alfonso chuckling softly behind me.

"I still don't have anything you brute!"

He swished his tail impatiently. How I glad I was to have a little piece of home with me. I pressed my forehead to his snout.

Behind me Alfonso said,"You know, he reminds me of someone when they don't get their way."

I elbowed him. "Be nice."

He kissed my temple."I'm always nice."

Alfonso patted Greatheart's nose half-heartedly. I frowned over at him, but he wouldn't lookat me in the eye. I could see his mouth pursed, just like they always were when he was upset or angry or particularly pensive. I would not be able to coax anything from his lips.

So I waited for him to speak.

After a while, Alfonso stopped patting dear Greatheart. He brushed off a stray horse hair from thewool of his brown tunic and picked off Beans hair from the bottom. His jaw wasclenched and his eyes were hard, but otherwise he was outwardly calm and seemingly all business.

“Maudrun….Maddie…What is it that you want and cannot have?”

I did not know how to answer him honestly without hurting him.I looked down at the worn toes of his leather boots, unable to meet his eyes. How could I tell him I wanted home? I left everything behind for him and no matter what I said it would always sound like I regretted leaving it for him. My heart ached for Alfonso and for myself too. I could never hide anything from him.

It all came pouring out of me, like Mathlida’s soup on the muddy ground. “I want a better life than living in the forest. I would even take living with Dayfd again as long as I was home. I want my sisters and my brother, even Dayfd. I want my mother. I want a warm fire, a full belly of something other than Mathlida’s soups. I wantmy soft feather bed and my silky dresses. I want what I left.”

I stopped and cleared my throat. Itwould not do to start crying now. If I cried now I would never be able to stop.I was breaking his heart and thus I was breaking my own heart. I stared without seeing, waiting for his answer, knowing he would tell me to go home. I was not disappointed.

When he spoke, his voice was hoarse. “If that’s what you truly want, if that is what you choose, Maudrun I will take you home today. It would break my heart but I would give anything for you to be happy again.”

  

I looked up sharply, knocking the horse’s nose away with my cheek. “That is not what I meant. I am not unhappy with you, as I’ve said before. I am unhappy with our living conditions. I want both. I could not have both, so I made my choice. I still stand by the choice I made.” I pushed Greatheart’s snout away from my face again. “I was not built for this kind of life. You’ve spent years travelling and you are used to the land. I am not. What I really want, Alfonso is a house to call home. I made my choice, I do not regret my choice, but…I am unhappy with the price I’ve had to pay.”

I wrapped my arms around myself and looked down at the ground. The wind gusted making me shiver under my scratchy wool cloak. Greatheart sniffed the back of my cloak and my scarf. Eventhough I was shifting his nose away, he kept nudging me. I was in no mood to handle his playfulness.

 “You are not theonly one who is unhappy with the price paid. ”He reached over and stroked my face. “Seeing you unhappy is an awful price to pay.”

I smiled. “I am happyand proud to call myself your wife. I’m just grouchy about living in a tent and travelling place to place.”

“You’re not alone in that.”

“Well, what man wants totravel with three quarrelsome, bickering ladies, a naughty dog and a horse that seems content to eat everything?” I asked coyly, and leaned on Greatheart. I needed to bring some light into the situation. I still felt overly emotional. I played with his mane.

A snort erupted from my husband.“Ah, that I do not mind. It’s the food. It runs through me like lava. Like lava, burning included.”

I slapped his arm. “Shh,don’t let Mathlida hear you. You’ll upset her.”

“Well, I wouldn’t want that.”

“No, neither would I. You’ve never seen her angry. It’s not a pretty sight.”

He smiled and held his hand out to me. I offered him my own and he placed several large smacking kisses on it. I laughed and poked him in the belly with my other hand, prompting a wrestling match to see who could tickle the other one more. It was a frequent game of ours. Greatheart stomped his foot behind us and neighed impatiently. My attention wavered to him for one quick second, just enough for Alfonso to overpower me and win. I shrieked with laughter and began playfully slapping him on the arms, on the shoulders, on his chest. He scooped me into his arms,crushing me close so I couldn’t slap him anymore. He rocked me from side to side, making little contented mmm noises. I relaxed my head on the rough chest of his tunic, against his heart. I’d made the right choice. I wouldn’t give this up for the fluffiest, softest feather down bed.

Even though I had lost the tickle fight, I was secretly glad that we had avoided a real fight. What I had said was not meant to hurt his feelings, but to merely get it off my chest.It was selfish of me, but I needed to tell someone. Mathlida would only tell me to shut up and deal with it and Burga would say the same in a gentler manner and I was not comfortable enough with any of the men to openly share my thoughts with.

The sounds of angry voices carried over into our solitude. Alfonso groaned into the top of my head. I sighed and we broke apart. They were always fighting. Instead of him running into the tent to break up whatever argument was occurring, he took my hand in his and I let him lead me along the path to the front of the tent. For a moment, I thought the voices were getting louder because we were getting closer to the tent. Then I realized we hadn’t been so far away, the men were just raising their voices. I shared a look of concern with Alfonso. He dropped my hand and jogged up the hill to Marcos, who was on watch at the mouth of the tent.

“For Godsake, what is going on?”

Marcos shrugged and kicked a clump of dirt, sending debris flying all over. He jerked his headback, motioning to the men in the tent. “Diogo is being a royal pain in our asses.”

“Oh of course he is.What about now?”

“Something about that…dog. Speaking of that dog, where is she?”

Alfonso and Marcos both looked to me. I shrugged. “Probably somewhere in the tent with Mathlida and Burga.”

My husband heaved a large sigh, as he passed through the mouth of the tent, he slapped Marcos on the back in the familiar way men do.

“And of course it’s overthe damned dog.”

His voice carried both inside and outside the tent. Of course I felt guilty about Beans, but mostly Ifelt guilty for letting her run off in the first place. I knew better, I knew I was being selfish. I picked up my skirts and plodded up the semi-slippery hill. As I walked past Marcos, he grabbed my arm tightly. I glared at him and opened my mouth to tell him to let me go. But he spoke over me.

“Control the dog. If you don’t, the rest of us will end up dead or worse. And you will live to bear the blame and the burden of our deaths.”

I felt the weight of Marcos’ words over my head. It had never occurred to me before how much danger we were really in. I had been so stupid, trying to run off yesterday. All because I wanted to honor a stupid promise I made so many years ago. I swallowed hard, trying to ease my throbbing heart from my throat and back into my chest.

I looked into his blue eyes. He was telling the truth and I was horribly, horribly selfish. I yanked my arm from his grasp, but he did not fight. The force made me stumblesideways, but he did not help. I blushed crimson and pinched my thigh with myleft hand, hoping the physical pain would distract me from crying. There wastoo much crying in the past month. I cleared my throat, lifted my chin and nodded at Marcos.

“I believe Mathlida was looking for you.”

“Thank you.”

I looked up inside the tent, where my husband and Diogo were shouting things that I could not understand. Faustino was standing between them, looking grim.

Felipe sat on a nearby stool,his eye narrowed in my direction. My husband’s men hate me. With that thought my stomach rolled, and my vision was blurred. I placed a hand over myribs, commanding myself to breathe, even though it was difficult. With each step I took, I felt further and further from the ground. I was a floatingghost, lonely on my little island where no one could see me and if they could,I must be evil. All I wanted to do was lay down on my pallet and sleep away thepain.

I’m a horrible person.

I stumbled towards the curtain, blind and oblivious when I knocked over a water jug. All I needed to do was get to my sleeping mat or to the pot before I vomited. I repeated thisover and over in my head as I tripped and pushed my way through the curtain.

Mathlida and Burga were sitting on their mats pretending to sew, but secretly listening to the shouting of the men.

“Oh Maudrun,” Mathlida said.

Burga jumped up and wrapped an arm around my waist. “Don’t cry. It’s okay, don’t cry. I’m sure it’s nothing, Maddie.”

“Why are you all wet?”

Burga gasped. “You’re going to catch your death!”

I looked down, surprised to find the hem of my skirts wet, and my slippers soaked as well. Burga led meover to the chest containing our linens. My slippers made little squishingnoises under the weight of my feet. Behind me Mathlida reached around and undid the fasten on my scarf and my cloak.

I let them undress and re-dress me, obedient when they told me to raise my arms or lift my legs.Behind the curtain, the shouts of the men persisted. I forced my eyes shut,trying to block out the noise.

After they had redressed me, I pulled away from their comforting grasps and sat down hard on the ground. The back pain that had been all but forgotten arose again along with a new pain in my head. I buried my face in my hands.

“Maudrun, what is the matter?” Mathlida asked.

My voice was muffled.“Just leave me alone.”

Burga came and sat beside me, smoothing first her skirts and then mine. I gathered my knees to my chest. That was no more comfortable so I folded my legs crosswise. 

Mathlida came to stand before me, her eyes not unconcerned. Why had I dragged everyone into my own mess? My husband’s men hated me, surely Mathlida and Burga felt the same. They were not unwarranted in their hate. Thiswas all my fault. I felt so helpless. I hated feeling helpless. I hated me too.

Beans came and sat at my feet. I pushed her away with my foot. I wanted nothing to do with her right now. I felt guilty for wishing her gone. My stomach rolled. My poor Beans, who only wanted to play.

She looked at me with such sad brown eyes. I burst into tears. Beans put her paws on my knees and licked my cheeks. I patted her blindly, with one hand.

My voice sounded weird,even to my own ears. Far more high pitched than normal and far far more warbly.Through my choked sobs I managed to whisper, “I’m so sorry.”

“For what, dear?” Burga asked as she patted my hand.

“I’m sorry I dragged you both into my decision. I’m so sorry you’re suffering because of me.”

Mathlida exchanged a glance with Burga and shook her head. “Maudrun, neither of us was forced to go with you. We both came of our own accord.”

“Yes, Maddie, she’s right. We came because we wanted to be with you,” Burga chimed in.

Mathlida crossed her arms over her chest and looked down at me. “I think you’re more sorry that you’re suffering, but you don’t know it.”

  

“Maybe I am.”

“You need to learn to live with it Maudrun. You cannot be unhappy about this all your life. You are choosing to look at the bad side of things, instead of appreciating the good you’ve been given. We all have our health, we have each other and we have full bellies. That is a lot more than what everyone else has, and to want more is just selfish.” Mathlida had to raise her voice to be heard over Diogo’s yelling.

I stared past Mathlida at the curtain that separated us from the arguing men.

I made so many mistakes that I couldn’t take back. Now I wondered if everyone would have been better off without me. The tears flowed freely down my cheeks. My nose was probably running too, but I didn’t even care anymore.

Mathlida broke into my thoughts. “No one said it was going to be easy, now did they?”

“No, but no one said it would be this hard. No one said I’d make this many mistakes.”

“Such is life, Maudrun.We all make mistakes. It’s what we learn from that makes them worthwhile.”

  

“Do you think it was a mistake for you to marry Alfonso?” Burga asked.

I turned my attention to Burga who scratched Beans behind her ears.

I paused and chewed my lip.  “No, it was not a mistake. I love him. I just wish things were different.”

“I didn’t think it was.I think Mathlida’s right and you’re more scared than anything, Maddie.”

“The good Lord will provide.He always has,” said Mathlida.

“This is providing? Thisis more like a test” I said to Mathlida.

“Yes, but when He tests you, he is also providing you strength for your next test. For the next

time you’ll need it.”

“Wow, Mathlida, that’s a good way to look at it,” said Burga.

I wished life was so simple. I never found it so, even moreso today.

Mathlida gathered the scattered sewing and doled out pieces to each of us. Bed linens. We were still sewing bed linens. I never wanted to see another bed linen again. I turned it over in my hands, running my fingers over the linen. For Mathlida the matter was said and done, but for me, it was far from over.

 “I wonder what they’re saying. Maddie?”

I sat down and tossed the linen aside and strained to listen. The men spoke their Portuguese so fastand fluid I could barely understand more than a few snippets of theconversation. Their language seemed to flow from one word to the next, hardly apause or break was given between words. It was difficult for me to grasp.

“Well, they’re arguing about Beans.”

“What else?”

“About Alfonso’s……”

“Girls, enough, let’s concentrate on our sewing.”

I narrowed my eyes whenI heard Diogo spit out the words, eat and dog in the same sentence. Eat the dog? I saw red. I was going to kill him. I set my jaw, jumped up and thrust aside the curtain. I looked Diogo directly in the face.

“You shall not lay afinger on my dog. It will be a cold day in hell before I let you touch her!”

Diogo crossed his armsover his chest and glared at me. His chest puffed out and he breathed veryrapidly. He tapped his foot impatiently on the dirt. I was tempted to reach over and smack the smarmy look from his face. I hated him too.

“Alfonso, you should keep a leash on your other bitch too.”

Faustino, who stood between Diogo and Alfonso, was prepared to hold my husband back from lunging at Diogo. He was prepared to push him backwards and stand in between the men. However, he was unprepared for me. So was Diogo. I kicked a stool aside as I raced over to him. As quickly as I could muster I raked my fingernails from his forehead down, tearing down his face. Although I drew no blood, he would wea rthe marks for days. Men often forgot how damaging fingernails could be. Felipe jumped up from his stool, letting his knife fall to the ground. Beans barked at the commotion

He roared and stumbled backwards into the wooden beam. I laughed cruelly. A hand clamped over my wristand threw me backwards. I landed on my rump, still laughing at Diogo grabbinghis face.

Alfonso, tried to pushFaustino away, but couldn't get out of the man's grasp. "Maudrun! Damnyou, let me get to my wife! Don’t you touch her again, Felipe, I swear to God.”

“ENOUGH! ALL OF YOU.ENOUGH!” Mathlida screamed. She slammed her hands down on her thighs. Faustinoand Alfonso stopped struggling, I stopped my laughing and Beans stoppedbarking. We all looked incredulously at Mathlida.

I instinctively shrank back. Mathlida rages were few and far between, thank God.

 “I have had enough of this fighting! Fight over the damned pot, the damned dog, the damnedweather! I am tired of the nastiness and the anger. All of you just shut up and grow up!”

I winced at Mathlida. Her face was red, the little vein on her forehead popped out and she was visibly shaking. Burga stood behind her grimacing as well.

Mathlida turned her blazing gaze towards Diogo. She shoved her index finger in his face and shook it at him, like a mother chastising her naughty son. He cowered against the wooden beam.

"You will not touch that dog. You will not go near that dog. You will not call Maudrun a bitch. You will speak respectfully to her or you will find a new place to sleep after I have found the biggest, most rusty iron ladle and beaten you black, blue and bloody with it!"

  

"And you!"

Mathlida whirled around and stuck her finger in my face. I leaned backwards.

I raised my hands in self-defense. "Me?!"

"Grow up and deal with it. You wanted him and now you’ve got him. You cannot run off anytime you like girl. He is right! You cannot let the dog go wherever she likes! We are in danger and that dog will get us all killed if you’re not careful! And it’s hardly even the dog! You ran off, you little fool. What if you had been grabbed?!"

She was frantically waving her arms around and there was spit flying from her mouth.

Had the situation not been so serious I would have been giggling. I sat there shame faced and not able to look at anyone.

Mathlida moved on to her next victim: Burga.

"And you! You stop making gooey eyes at Sir Felipe and flirting with him! Shame on the both ofyou!"

Burga's face blossomed a brilliant shade of scarlet and Felipe looked at the ground. In the meantime,Alfonso was trying to hide a smile behind his hand, while Faustino was elbowing him in the ribs. Mathlida marched over to Faustino and poked him in the shoulder.

"And you!”

His mouth curled into a half smile. “And me?”

“You! With….with that stupid hair on your stupid head! Argh!"

Faustino merely looked bemused, while Alfonso was outright laughing.

“It’s not FUNNY!”

She threw up her hands and stomped towards the entrance of the tent where Marcos was silently surveying the situation.

Her skirts swished as she whirled back around to face us. She pointed her finger in our direction.

 "And you all can forget about me cooking for you!"

With that she flounced outside the tent. We all watched her retreat in awe. Burga and I exchanged a knowing glance. We had all gotten off easy. This time.

Alfonso was the first to speak. "Brother, I'm sorry you have stupid hair."

"Apparently, I have a stupid head as well."

"Agreed! Thankfully your stupid head has saved us all from the....soup."

"Ah, but I was so looking forward to it."

"Thank god forsmall favors," Felipe muttered.

  

"Amen!" Alfonso said and he clapped a hand on Felipe's shoulder.