Don't Let Me Go

Alfonso walked into the tent, holding a dead rabbit but its ears. He grinned at us and held it up. "We've got meat!"

Mathlida jumped up. "You're all wet! You'll catch your death!"

She was right. His hair was plastered to his forehead, and his clothes stuck to his skin. When he walked, his boots squished and squicked. Above us the rain pounded on the tent. It was harder than I thought, I hadn't noticed the rain until Alfonso strolled in. Mathlida snatched the rabbit from his hand and shoved it in Faustino's direction. Faustino grappled a moment with the rabbit. I smiled, it was always amusing to see the ever calm Faustino rustled. Mathlida was the only one who seemed to affect him in that manner.

She hadn't even noticed his little dance because she was too preoccupied with removing my husband's clothing.

Alfonso tried dodging her. "Hey, hey! That's Maddie's job!"

He looked at me grinning--the only man who could grin in the middle of a thunderstorm--and I responded with a half smile and turned back to the fire.

"You ok?"

I looked up and nodded. I was okay and I wasn't okay. I felt fine but I felt dull.

"I'm just tired, love."

Alfonso skirted around the patting and prodding Mathlida and sat beside me. As he started to put his arm around me Mathlida called over "Don't you get her wet too! She catches sick easy!"

I sighed and pushed myself up. "Thanks Mathlida."

"Don't get snippy with me!"

"I'm not, I promise. I just need to lay down."

I ducked under the curtain, muffling Alfonso's voice. "Maddie...."

Behind the curtain, Burga was brushing out one of my dresses. She glanced up and smiled. "Hey."

I flopped down next to her. "You don't have to do that."

"If I don't, it'll get ruined."

"I have nowhere to wear it, Burga."

"Maddie, we're not going to be on the run forever. We won't be here forever. Nothing is forever."

I drew my knees to my chest. "I suppose. You know I---"

"---worry too much? Yes, I do know."

I closed my eyes and listened to the mix of the rain and Burga's brush on the fabric. The rain was soothing and the brush familiar. Instead of being in this miserable cold tent, I could've been home. The sounds and smells were nearly the same. If only the ground wasn't so hard, and if only we weren't being hunted.

Burga grunted. I looked over at her.

"Mathlida calls....Probably so I can help her ruin dinner."

She made a face at me and sauntered from the sleeping area.

I felt strangely empty of thoughts and feelings. The urgency I'd felt at first faded, and there was nothing left. Sleep, escape sounded beautiful, if anything could be beautiful right now.

I shuffled to the pallet, where Beans slept soundly on Alfonso's half. Lucky dog. I scratched behind her ears, but she never woke up, only snorting in her sleep like dogs do when they dreamt.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek and tangled my fingers into Beans fur. It would be so easy to be a dog. She was so lucky. Nothing seemed to bother her. I swirled my fingers around her fur, making her kick out her legs and roll over in her sleep. I smiled. She was the most easygoing and endearing dog I had ever owned. Ever since she was a puppy, all she loved to do was lick and cuddle. It made me sad to think of her getting older, she was already 6. She was a gift….A gift from Edward. I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn’t stand this living anymore. The last time I saw Edward, he was preparing to go to England, to manage the lands that Father gave to him.

Just before he left he pressed a brass key into my palm and smiled down at me.

Consider it a pre-wedding gift. My gift to you. Just in case.

He nodded and wrapped my fingers around it. I was amazed how well he knew me. He just knew things. One quick kiss and he was gone, riding north. It was the last thing he ever gave me.

My eyes popped open and I snapped up, startling Beans. The key!

I scrambled off the pallet, sending Beans into a barking frenzy, and leapt for my casket. Oh god, it please let it be in there, please, oh god. Inside, under the shiny contents of my previous life, at the very bottom, I felt the little velvet pouch. I pulled it out and dumped the key into my hand. I exhaled in relief.

Edward’s face surfaced in my mind and memories flooded in. Putting ink in his tea, threading blue and white ribbons in his hair, putting my slippers on, only to find them filled with honey. I wiped away a stray tear. I had vowed to put my past behind me, but I couldn’t. Not completely. Not when our future depended on it. I curled my fingers around the key and held it to my heart. This was it. The way to preserve myself and my little family without murdering any of them! Beans yipped and pawed at the hem of my dress.

Mathlida yanked the curtain back. “Maddie? What in heaven’s name are you doing?”

I froze. “Nothing.”

“What’s in your hand?”

“Nothing, Mathlida.”

“Girl, you forget, that I’ve changed every diaper of yours, seen every sly look on that face. Do not cross me.”

I sighed, admitting defeat, and held out the key. Beans danced around our feet, wagging her entire bottom end. Mathlida nudged Beans away with her foot.

She snatched the key from my hand. “Where did you get that?”

“Edward. Said it was a gift for my…wedding.”

Mathlida gazed at the key in her palm. My heart beat furiously in my chest. I could see the thoughts flowing in her head. She was debating whether it was wise to tell, or if I should use the key at all. My hands were shaking and my heart pounded. Please don't say anything, I silently begged her with my eyes.

“You know what this is for?”

I nodded.

“And did you tell Alfonso about….?”

“About my betrothal? Yes. But only you, Burga and Alfonso know of it.”

Mathlida glanced at the curtain, to where the men stood on the other side. “And that is how it shall stay.”

I inclined my head and held my hand out. Mathlida hesitated before dropping the key into my palm.

I looked up to see Burga’s head peering in. She motioned for us to come out. “Shhh, something isn’t…I don’t….”

Mathlida shook her head and marched us back into the common area. Beans followed close on our heels, tongue lolling to the side.

Diogo was glowering at Alfonso over Faustino’s calm head. Felipe and Marcos watched them warily.

Burga crossed the common area, over to Felipe. He smiled gently at her and motioned for her to come behind him. I sat at the fire and avoided eye contact.. The last thing I wanted to do was be involved in another one of Diogo’s temper tantrums; I didn’t feel like another lecture. I saw Mathlida move to stand near the entrance of the tent. She put her hands on her hips and surveyed the scene with her keen eyes. She met the gaze of Faustino who nodded to her. He then looked at me and tilted his head in Alfonso’s direction. I nodded.

“Husband, come sit.”

He obliged, all the while glaring at Diogo.

“Husband, I have a wonderful…I have good news…”

His eyes widened and darted over my face questioningly. I felt my face get hot and I shook my head. “No..no..no…no no no…”

He grinned. “Good. You scared the living hell out of me.”

Diogo snorted. “The last thing we need is her to breed.”

Instinctively I threw my arm out, catching Alfonso at chest level. Faustino stepped forward, ready to grab Alfonso if needed. The dog pounced, ready to play.

Mathlida crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes. “Why are you here?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You clearly don’t want to be here. Why stay?”

“He is here because he swore an oath,” Felipe said.

Alfonso’s dark eyes narrowed. “An oath poorly followed.”

”I didn’t swear an oath to you so I could follow you and some….harlot half way across Scotland!”

I couldn’t keep a grip on Alfonso and my fingers slipped from his tunic. Faustino held him back, but barely.

“She…is…my…wife!” He said, struggling to break free.

I stood up, but it was Mathlida who held my wrist. “Stop it!”

Diogo laughed. “Are you sure she’s really your wife? Because—“

It was Felipe who came to my rescue. “—Enough. If you feel that way then go. You also made an oath to obey, and you’ve done naught of that.”

He made a chopping gesture with his right hand. With his left, he reached back to Burga. She slipped her hand in his, but never took her eyes from my face. I needed to say something. If I didn't fix this, my husband would lose two of his best friends.

My stomach lurched. Mathlida had let me go, but stood close enough to recapture me if need be. At that moment, there was no one I hated more than Diogo. He hurt my husband. I balled my hand into a fist and waited.

Diogo spluttered and gestured at me. “He marries her, and I’m the one who is supposed to go?”

Mathlida puffed her chest out. “He is your lord and master. You are to smile and obey and nothing more.”

My voice was small. "Please, just don't."

Faustino gently released Alfonso. He stared my husband down, his eyebrows raised. It was his way of telling my husband to calm down. Alfonso nodded curtly, though he breathed heavily from his flared nostrils.

I picked my way around the fire. I looked pleadingly between Alfonso and Diogo. “Please. Stop. I know what we can do. Please, listen—“

Diogo shook his head. “—I’ve had enough. The hell with all of you. Especially you.” He pointed at my husband. “I thought you a better man than to…to…”

Alfonso waved his hand. “If you’re going to leave, just go.”

"No, Alfonso if you do that you'll regret it. Please don't. You need to cool off." I pleaded.

Diogo turned on his heel and stalked over to the shared sleeping space. We watched and listened as he packed, cursing and muttering under his breath all the while.

"Diogo, please."

"Leave me alone."

I put my hand on his arm. "Please."

He threw my hand off. "Just let me be."

Marcos stepped forward. “I am with Diogo. I too shall be going.”

Alfonso looked incredulously at Marcos while Felipe shook his head. Faustino’s face was impossible to read. My heart sunk to my stomach. I stumbled forward and grabbed Marcos' arm.

“Please, neither of you go. Please, we can fix this.”

He pulled his arm away. “No, I’m afraid we cannot. We swore to follow you, Alfonso, but not like this. I don't want to die for your mistake.”

Faustino stepped forward. His eyes blazed. "Your oath swore that you would die for him."

Marcos smiled blandly. "In battle, aye. But not slaughtered."

I whispered. "That won't happen."

Alfonso said nothing, but stared at the opposite wall of the tent.

Faustino shook his head. "You go, that is your choice. But you will both die oathbreakers. That is what you will have to live with and die with. May God be with you."

Tears welled in my eyes. My heart was breaking. Not for my sake, but for my husband’s. He was losing his men because of me. I wanted desperately to say something to him, but I couldn’t think of anything other than, “I’m sorry.”

Faustino grabbed Alfonso’s arm. “Just let them go.”

Together they left, disappearing into the misty and rainy night. They rode back where we came from. I watched, until goosebumps raised the hairs on my arms, until the tears stopped, until I couldn’t see them anymore. Until they were gone.