Constantly Helpless

The next morning, I awoke, alone, to a message from Edward.

Meet me in the garden. We need to talk about the next step.

I dreaded the talk with Edward. Gauging from the conversation we had earlier, he would be hard to convince. There was nothing else I could do. Looking at Burga getting paler and paler, at Mathlida looking older and older and myself...well...getting more and more worried. Last night while I brushed my hair I noticed more loose strands than usual. It made me so sick to the point where I could not even finish brushing my hair.

I took my time getting ready, still wary of my arm. I moved at a glacial pace, washing my face, dressing myself--where was Burga and where was Alfonso?--and then slowly brushing my hair.

Luckily for me, there were no more stray hairs than normal in the brush. It clattered as I dropped it on the desk. I guess it was time to go see him. I rubbed my bubbling stomach as I left the room.

When I arrived at the garden, Edward was nowhere in sight. It was odd, because Edward was never late. I sat on a nearby stone bench, a queer feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I hated this, the constant digestive upset, the insane worrying. If only I could convince Edward to let us live in the manor. It was a distant possibility, but knowing my brother....

Finally, the door to the kitchens creaked open. I stood up, anxiously awaiting my brother. But he walked past me, as if he didn't even see me.

He hopped the gate with his head held high. I nearly called out to him, but something stopped me. He marched to the gate. That's when I saw the bright green tunics. Fuck.

Edward confronted our father's men at the gate. I pulled myself up the nearest tree.

I winced as my arm ached. I clutched a thick branch for dear life. Surely my pounding heart would give us away. I glanced anxiously back to the door. Alfonso and the rest were still inside the church, breaking their fast with the kindly priest, Father Matthew. Fuck again!

I cursed Marcos. How could he? I still didn't understand why he left. Diogo, I understood, but Marcos. It came from nowhere, and now it infuriated me. If it wouldn't hurt my husband I would spit out everything that traitor said.

Edward stood tall and straight, like our father, hands on his hips as the lead man, Sheehan, spoke to him. I couldn't hear a word he was saying because the wind rustled the tree leaves.

Edward's voice carried up to me. "No, I haven't seen them."

I leaned closer, the better to hear Sheehan.

"Hmm. Funny how, then, the peasants saw you with a young woman on a gray and white horse. The very same horse that is stabled here. The very same horse that was stolen 3 months ago from the King."

I pressed my knuckles to my mouth. Shit! Shit! Shit!

Edward crossed his arms over his chest, surveying Sheehan. "That is not the King's horse."

Sheehan smirked, knowing he trapped Edward. "We know you have her. His man told us she would run to you. Now, unless you want trouble with the King, I suggest you and I escort her home."

"These are not your lands, nor my father's Sheehan, therefore you and he have no power here. I suggest you run to my father and tell him so."

Sheehan laughed. "I am not nearly so dumb. And the lack of power also extends to you my friend."

Shit, I couldn't stay here and listen to them argue. I scrambled down the tree as fast as I could, ignoring the pains in my arm. My knee scraped the tree, but I ignored it and I ignored the screaming in my heart. I could make the decision to stay, to take the punishment I deserved, but I couldn't make that decision for Alfonso, or Mathlida or Burga or anyone else. I hugged the wall of the church and slipped inside to the kitchens, past the servants and into the dining hall where everyone sat; most were enjoying the meal, whilst Alfonso and Diogo were arguing, of course.

Poor Father Matthew was left to mediate. Mathlida flirted openly with Faustino.

Felipe smiled as he slid scraps under the table to Beans.

He glanced at Burga and grinned but she wasn't having any of it. She sat alone, holding a small bag in her lap, as she sat with her eyes closed to the world.

Alfonso poked Diogo. "You fucking stabbed my wife!"

Diogo waved his arms. "Yes! It was an accident!"

"Accident or not---"

I clapped my hands over my face, now was not the time. "---shut up, shut up, shut up!"

Alfonso and Diogo stopped and stared at me open mouthed. The others and the priest all paused, turning their full attention on me and of course Beans shot out from under the table. The better to jump on me. She distracted me, but only for a moment.

I pushed the dog off and took a huge breath. "We have to leave, now! My father's men are here. They know we are here."

The uproar was immediate. Several people shouted at me over Beans' barking.

"What? How?"

"Where shall we go?"

"Where is Edward?"

"Woof! Woof! Wooooof!"

Burga and Felipe exchanged a look that I couldn't decipher.

"Let's go!" Diogo shouted.

I hustled them out of the dining hall, including Father Matthew, while Beans followed close on my heels.

Alfonso turned to the priest and opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted.

"If they come to the door, I shall hold them off and keep them occupied," Father Matthew spoke evenly. "Go out the kitchen door, hop the garden wall and come behind the stables. Your horses are waiting for you there. Go!"

Alfonso nodded and reached into his purse and pulled out a silver coin. He handed it to Father Matthew, but the latter shook his head furiously and pushed it back at Alfonso.

"No, I do not want payment. You cannot buy my silence, they already know you were here and I will not lie and say you were not. However, I will not mention the fact that I saw you this morning."

Alfonso nodded. "Thank you Father. But please, take the coin. Feed the hungry. Do some good."

Father Matthew looked into my husband's eyes. Finally he nodded. "May the peace of God be upon you children."

"You likewise Father."

"Go now before it's too late!"

"Thank you."

Felipe escorted Burga into the kitchens. She was sickly pale; her fingers white from where she clutched the bag. His arm wrapped around her shoulder and her head lay upon his. Mathlida watched them with a slight frown. Then she was all business.

"Let's go!" She said and put her hand on my back, the better to push me forward.

I stumbled, but caught Alfonso's hand. He smiled roughly down at me and then dragged me through the kitchens. His hand crushed mine like he was afraid to lose me, afraid if he let go I would be torn away from him. Between him and Beans treading on my gown, it was a wonder I didn't fall forward or back.

I couldn't even think. I didn't want to think because then I would just berate myself for being stupid and foolish and then we wouldn't get anywhere. I'd fall into a pile of mush and just be a hassle to everyone else. All I could focus on, was don't fall, don't fall, don't fall!

We raced through the kitchens, into the garden. The sun peaked through the clouds. It was truly an awful lovely day for March.

Felipe climbed the garden wall first. He helped Burga, then Mathlida and then me over the wall. Faustino and Alfonso followed shortly, the latter with Beans over his shoulder. We ran with Felipe and Burga ahead; always looking for my father's men. Alfonso's arm caught me in the chest as a blaze of green flashed by. I snatched Beans by the tail and yanked her back. She turned to look at me sorrowfully, but made no move to bite. Thank God for a gentle dog. Felipe and Burga were too far in front, even for a hurried whisper to stop them.

We stood close, I held Beans to my chest, practically smothering her, until Alfonso was sure the men had passed. By the time we reached the stables, Burga and Felipe were gone.

I stopped short, as I realized my things were still in the church. My things being the jewelry casket and the little key Edward gave me. How could I forget? But then again, how would I have known that we would have to run, again.

"I have to go back!" I whispered frantically.

"No!" Alfonso's voice was stern.

"You don't understand---"

"---Nonsense, Maddie!" Mathlida hissed.

"You can't," Faustino said, not unkindly.

"But I have to! All my things!"

Behind me Diogo sighed loudly.

I felt the anger bursting out of me. No one was listening. They were important, crucial to our survival, to my own. They never listened to me. I was constantly helpless.

Mathlida huffed. I started anyway, but it was Faustino who grabbed me.

"No...Maddie....I'm sorry." He said.

"But...the key! My mother's jewelry!" I sobbed.

"No, Maddie! We can't go back," Alfonso said.

I turned to look at the church once more. Inside were the last memories of a life I had been determined to leave behind.

Inside that church, the last shred of my hope remained. My soul died a little inside that day as Alfonso and Faustino gently guided me away to the horses.